I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
