call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
