And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
