she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
