I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
