My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
