you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
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