I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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