so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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