i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
