i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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