And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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