the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
