sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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