You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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