I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
