You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
