Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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