no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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