So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
