rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
