Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
