Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
