I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
