My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
