the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
