ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
