Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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