my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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