Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
