Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it's like iHOP with fire
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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