I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
