new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
