...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
