he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
