You just made me feel so damn special
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
