I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
