I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
