end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
