i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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