DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
