I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
