I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
