I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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