I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
