did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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