does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
