Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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