Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
