And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
