I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
