the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
