Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
