just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
